Grieving the Loss of a Child
It’s been more than ten years since I lost my youngest son, Shane, who died of severe aplastic anemia at the age of 19 after an 18-month illness. Since then, I have picked myself up; reshaped my life; moved beyond the savage awfulness of raw grief. I laugh and smile again, don’t study his self-portrait each time I walk past; don’t obsess about what I could and could not have done differently as his mother and primary caretaker. I have two surviving sons, and five grandchildren who bring me joy. And so, I am blessed.
And yet…I pick up a copy of Gifts from Shane, the book I wrote about him and the process of grieving the loss of a child; flip through the pages where he comes to life again, this special, special boy, and sometimes find myself in tears again, missing him, missing all that he was, and all that he could have been.
Why I wrote Gifts from Shane – Grieving the loss of a child
One of the important things I learned from the loss of my son was that people grieve in many different ways. Some withdraw; others drown their sorrows in drink, work, or drugs. Some engage in uncharacteristic behavior. Some turn to their faith or other forms of support. I chose to write, to put words on paper that would help me understand what happened, process the grief of losing a child, and share with others that – incredibly – there is something good in even the worst thing that can happen to a parent.
Author Thomas Wolfe called the loss of a child “that most terrible wound,” and it is that – a wound that never fully heals. You just learn to walk with it; to make it part of your past, your present, and your future. I also wanted people to know Shane, really know him, what incredible insights he possessed; what intangible, remarkable gifts he left behind, and that he taught me more than I could ever teach him.
Winston Groom, author of Forrest Gump
I wrote to Winston Groom, explaining there was a “real life Forrest Gump,” when I learned Groom was staying in Cashiers, NC, only about 60 miles from Asheville. In the letter of introduction, I asked if he would consider writing the book’s foreword. Groom’s own book had led to the highly successful film Forrest Gump, which was one of Shane’s all-time favorite movies. In about two weeks, Groom’s secretary graciously called me and said that her employer would be happy to take a look at the manuscript. It was as simple as that: I asked; he answered. And once he read the manuscript, he said yes. In the foreword, he said “many parents find it therapeutic to write about the loss of a child; to somehow share their grief with others. But this is a story far deeper, and far more profound. It is a tale of triumph and tragedy that at times elates; at times gives one chills.” I am eternally grateful to Winston Groom for his time and interest in Gifts From Shane, and for his innate understanding of what the loss of a child does to a parent, and to all human beings.
